Earlier this month, my favorite yellow maple lost all of its leaves in one fell swoosh of arctic wind, as an early winter storm and lake effect snow descended upon Chicago for 24 hours. The summer temperatures lingered well into October, and the fall colors had only recently reached their full peak, and then suddenly everything was gone!
Alas, it feels like an ideal analogy for this current season of transition and change. The destruction wrought upon the humanitarian aid sector this year came down as brutal as a sudden winter storm. The subsequent budget cuts, organizational restructure, and realignment of staff left everything looking like brightly fallen leaves withering on the ground.
I saw the writing on the wall months ago, and yet, nothing really prepared me for the shock of knowing that my job would be ending. While there is an opportunity to apply for a new internal position (which I’m planning to do), the volatility of this year has been relentless. This is not the first time I’ve endured organizational change, but the continual roller coaster of emotions (and the speed with which decisions needed to be made) left me exhausted. There was a temptation to simply take my severance and walk away. As one friend ever-so-gently asked, “how many times are you willing to do this?”
Several years ago, on my annual silent retreat, I found this coloring page in the retreat center art space. I spent those summer days wandering outside and resting beneath the bright green canopies, while alternating time spent in the art room mixing and layering colored pencils in shades of green, yellow, orange, red, brown, and purple.
I find myself captivated by this image today, as I discern what God is inviting me to consider in this next season of my career. It is in God’s nature to create, and I’m discovering mid-life is full of depth, dimension, and possibility. Like the rings of a tree trunk that show its age, God creates in layers. Layers of joy and pain, layers of learning and life experience, deep roots of family, friends, travels, and travesty that make us who we are today – that make us exactly who God intends us to be.
I recently sat down for an interview with a friend and coach, who walked me through a “Why Discovery” conversation, based on the work of Simon Sinek. It was a deeply personal conversation, with some incredibly vulnerable moments of sharing. In a word, it was profoundly sacred.
The “why” discovery is predicated on brain science. Our deepest motivations are hardwired from the very beginning of life. There are gifts, skills, talents, motivations, and behaviors that are so engrained that we may not even have words to describe them. They are the roots that run throughout the course of our lives. Have you ever had one of those moments where you exclaimed “this is so me!!!” That is your “why” speaking!
My discernment these days is focused on the roots of the tree in that coloring page. Age old gifts and callings feel like they are taking on new meaning and new purpose. Perhaps there are roots that have lay dormant, gifts that have always been there, just waiting for the right time to push forth new fruit to the surface.
Like a tree that has lost its leaves in an early snow storm, I feel like I’m walking into a long winter of tending to the broken branches – watching, waiting, pruning, healing, and rest are all part of the process. To my colleagues who are preparing to leave at the end of the year – I promise you (and I say this to myself as well!) that the leaves will reappear again. The tree of your life will bear fresh fruit once more. Trust that your roots will hold you steady, and be gentle with yourself as you await the spring.
Beth M. Knobbe 